I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
