I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
