i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
