he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
