he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
