True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
