I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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