Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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