I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
