This is not my ceiling
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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