we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize