Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
