my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
