I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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