Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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