just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
