Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
