Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
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I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
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Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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