My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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