i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
