I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
