I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just found a bag of teeth...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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