he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
