M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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