Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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