I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
