Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
