It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
