sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
