I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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