what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
