Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you had me at cake vodka
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They have beer where we have blood.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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