I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
