are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Ladies don't puke and tell
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
