so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
