I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
