I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
