I'm gonna have a badass scar
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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