3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
