I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
