we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
