Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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