Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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