Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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