you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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