i think my tv is drunk
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
