I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
