She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
