we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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