Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
