I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
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he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
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Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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