I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
