is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
