I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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