the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
