Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
