gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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