the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
