Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
