i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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